Shadowhunters Recap » The Descent Into Hell Isn't Easy

It's time for a recap of episode two of Shadowhunters — titled "The Descent Into Hell Isn't Easy."  You know what else isn't easy? Recaps, I've found, but I'm going to stick with it regardless.

Scene One

We open with a close-up of Clary's closed eyes, getting a glimpse of some excellently applied Wet n' Wild.  In one ear, Simon continues to implore Clary to come with him and seek mundane help for her troubles. In the other ear, Jace has stopped talking, because he has dignity like that.

Clary ultimately chooses the blonde, buff option over the weedy, bespectacled one and tells Simon, gently, that Jace can help them, really.

When they get inside the Institute (Simon tags along), the place looks like a trashed, old cathedral. Jace whips out his stele and starts marking a rune onto his skin.  It burns and glows and Jace makes appropriately pained sounds — "Aaah! Gah!"

Jace then grabs Simon's arm and Simon has a mild flip-out — "I'm not your type!" But then the old church becomes the high-tech Institute right before our eyes.  Such is the power of runes.

Simon casts his eyes over the scene — the high-tech screens and equipment, the mouldering columns, the bustling extras in their leather-y Olive Garden uniforms... "What the hell? Where are we?" he asks in a trembling voice. "Is there a war going on?"

"There is now," says Jace coolly, walking off.

"I think my mother is in the middle of it," Clary tell Simon, gravely.

They join Jace at one of the oversized screens.  He swishes his finger around on it, jabbing occasionally.

"This guy is supposed to protect us?" mutters Simon.

"He is going to protect us," reassures Clary, with all the faith in the world.

"Specifically you," corrects Jace, referring to Clary. "It's kind of our thing."

"A thing?! You guys have a thing?!" freaks Simon.

Clary is all, "Relax, he means a 'shadowhunter' thing. They protect people." But she's either lying straight-up or Jace's flirting went over her head.

Alec walks up to them.  Like in the last episode, Alec has a stick up his bottom.  He complains about Simon's mundane presence in the Institute. Jace explains that a Circle member was outside and Simon needed refuge.

"What is a Circle member?" asks Simon.

Jace explains to Simon and for those watchers who have forgotten: "All we know is that the Circle led a revolt a long time ago. A lot of shadowhunters were killed, including—" he chokes "— my father." The acting is glorious.

"Since the revolt we've been forbidden from even hearing about the Circle," Alec intones.

Clary objects to this censorship of history.

Jace sniffs, "Says the girl who didn't even know she was a shadowhunter!"

Clary gives him the point. "But the only person who knows the truth has been taken! I don't care about your rules! I just want my mother back! There's got to be someone out there who knows where she is!"

"There is," says Jace, who has been tapping on a screen near Isabelle. "You comin'?" he starts lurching away.

"Yah," says Clary.

Simon follows but Jace stops him with a hand to the shoulder.

"Hey! We're a package deal!" objects Clary.

"There are RUNES all over the training room floor that would kill your boyfriend," says Jace.

Clary and Simon awkwardly object to the "boyfriend" title.

"And I'm tough!" says Simon. "I can take your runes. Bring on the runes! What are runes?"

"They give shadowhunters our demon-fighting powers," exposits Isabelle, sexily running her stele over her rune scars, which — sorry make-up department — are the color of old hickeys.

Simon melts down, babbling that about how hot Isabelle is, in lieu of introducing himself like a normal person.

Isabelle laughs delightedly.  She tells Clary that she'll take good care of Simon. In fact she was just about to make breakfast.

Jace cracks that the training room runes might be less lethal than Isabelle's breakfast.

Isabelle, apologizes for everyone's lack of manners and introduces Alec and herself to Simon. Simon continues to spaz, but Isabelle seems charmed by his melt-down.

With one more reassurance that Simon will be fine in the capable hands of Isabelle, Jace escorts Clary towards the training room.

Scene Two

We cut to the interior of a parking garage at night, which can't mean anything good.

Sure enough, a young guy with bud-like horns is accosted by Circle Member Six, the attractive black woman from the previous episode.  She's wearing a skin-tight white dress and heels, so I'm surprised that she's able to get the upper hand in this situation.

But she's only able to bite out the words, "where is Magnus Bane?" before Luke gets the drop on her from behind. Luke tells the horned boy, a warlock, to take off, and he begins to interrogate Six by slamming her up against a car and pressing into her with his body.  Six groans and breaths heavily.  It's plenty sexual.

The two bite out words at each other while they slam around and pant.  Six accuses Luke of being a traitor to the Circle and killing her boyfriend, Konrad.  Luke blames Valentine for Konrad's death, but threatens Six with a similar demise if she doesn't spill Circle secrets.

But Six knows how to fight in her orange, ankle-breaker heels and starts pushing back against Luke, brandishing a seraph blade. We only hear what happens next, because an SUV blocks our view, but it sounds as if a large, snarling dog appears.  Hmm. 

Scene Three

Back at the Institute, Clary and Jace have arrived at the training room. A woman in yoga gear is wielding a staff at a shirtless man, who is defending himself with exotic looking blades.  This man is probably the hottest guy we've seen yet on the show, body-wise.

Clary agrees with me because she asks after him: "Who is that guy?"

"That's Hodge," replies Jace, and I wan't to laugh because Jared Harris played Hodge in the movie.  The casting department seems to be moving this character in a fresher direction.

Jace explains that Hodge used to be a Circle member, but that the Shadowhunter "Clave" spared his life.  However, Hodge is forbidden from ever leaving the Institute.

Hodge's training fight ends with him chopping the woman's staff into firewood, to her shock.  He then regains his shirt with blissfully lingering movements.  Moving towards Jace, Hodge sees Clary and mistakes her for Jocelyn for a moment, before explaining that Jocelyn Fairchild was one of his best friends.

Jace explains that Jocelyn was taken by the Circle.  Hodge tries to speak to them about it, but every time he attempts to say the word "Circle," or "Valentine," an angry, circular welt on his neck starts to sizzle and burn, cutting him off. Despite his pain, Hodge tells them that Jocelyn was once a member of the Circle as well, to Clary's shock.

Supported from collapsing by Jace, Hodge continues to explain that Jocelyn left the Circle, taking a very important shadowhunter object with her — the Mortal Cup — which can create more shadowhunters and control demons.

The pain from his punishment rune is too great at this point, and Hodge breaks away from Jace and crawls away from them, Gollum-like, but not before imploring Clary to protect Jocelyn.

Scene Four

Clary is walk-running as fast as she can in her borrowed, thigh-high boots towards the exit.  She will not calm down, despite Jace's cajoling. She tells Jace that, unlike him, she is not an emotionless G.I. Joe.

"What is a G.I. Joe?" asks Jace, with confusion.

That is exactly Clary's point.  Jace doesn't know anything about anything, especially what's it's like to have a mother kidnapped.

Jace agrees with her on that point.  He never had a mother. "You don't know anything about me or my life or what it means to be a shadowhunter." Jace tells her that running off without a plan will get her killed.

Clary's fury abates.  She slumps against the wall and recounts all that they know... Valentine has taken Jocelyn, because he thinks Jocelyn has the Mortal Cup.

Jace urges Clary to remember if Jocelyn indeed has the Cup, but Clary can't remember anything about it.  Then, Jace has a moment of enlightenment. Clary's memory could have been wiped by a warlock! Does Clary remember any person who fits the description?

Clary thinks of Dot, who made the portal to send Clary to the police station in the last episode.  The last Clary saw of Dot, a demon had taken her guise. Clary resolves to find the real Dot and seek answers. With this new mission, Clary bounces off to find Simon.

Scene Five

Luke is in Clary's room, boxing up her belongings.

The door opens and Luke spins around, gun drawn.  But it's only Dot.

Luke immediately asks after Clary, but Dot insists that the last she saw of Clary, the girl was being sent through a portal to Luke. To that thinly-veiled barb, Luke has no answer.

The two exchange some jumbled dialogue, bristling with hostility.  We learn that Dot is, indeed, a warlock.  She survived her lethal fall from the last episode and put a spell on the Fray house to ward off the mundane police.  Luke is taking Clary's possessions with him, so that no one from the Circle can track the girl. Both seem to want the same things — to find Clary and Jocelyn — but can't work together due to lack of trust.

The scene closes with Dot announcing her intent to enlist Magnus Bane's help.

Scene Six

Simon is sitting on Isabelle's magnificent bed when Isabelle brings breakfast in on a tray.  There are some glasses of juice, bowls of mush, and poorly cooked eggs.

Isabelle takes a sip of juice, eyeing Simon beguilingly over the lip of her cup. Simon gulps and asks after runes.  He must be inspired by Isabelle's own, which are on prominent display, because she's not wearing much of a top.

Isabelle explains that runes will kill a mundane if drawn on their skin — either that or the mundane will become mad, a "forsaken." Then shadowhunters have to kill them.

Wait! thinks Simon.  What about the healing rune on Clary's neck? Did Jace know that Clary was a shadowhunter when he drew that?

"He was almost certain," replies Isabelle.

Simon is enraged and rises to his feet, but Isabelle uses the power of her runes to speed-walk and block Simon's path. "Where are you going?" she breathes.

Simon is going to protect Clary from Jace!

Isabelle laughs.  Clary is with the ultimate protector in Jace.  He's the strongest, fiercest, and handsomest shadowhunter of them all.

Simon has no choice but to sit back down.  Isabelle is essentially holding him hostage right now.  And the prison food sucks. "There's more where this came from," coos Isabelle, dipping some blackened toast into the mush.

All of Simon's ardor for Isabelle appears to have been firmly doused. All he can talk about is Clary.  Will the Circle really be a threat to his friend?

"They'll be a threat to us all," says Isabelle gravely.

Scenes Seven, Eight, and Nine

We reenter the tech-room in the Institute.  Jace stops in front of a screen, muttering, "Where are you, Jocelyn Fray?"

But his search, whatever it was, pulls up a RESTRICTED error. Jace grimaces in frustration, while the camera fades to Jocelyn, still unconscious in Chernobyl.

Valentine stands, shifting from foot to foot, over her levitating body. He cocks his head, watching her beadily, like a crazy bird.

The camera cuts to the box of Clary's belongings. Luke is at the police station, shoving the items into his desk drawers.  His captain, Vargas, appears, wanting to know about Clary's well-being. Luke lies to her smoothly and Vargas moves on.

Scene Ten

Clary stands in front of a mirror in Isabelle's room, wearing more of Isabelle's clothes.  She's uncomfortable with the skin she's showing, but Isabelle laughs at Clary's modesty.

Clary asks after Simon, but Isabelle has passed the geeky friend off to Jace and Alec.

The coast is clear for girl talk — Clary probes about Isabelle's relationship with Jace. "Are you all like family?"

Isabelle sees through the cover and puts Clary's real question out in the open. "You want to know if Jace and I are a thing."

Clary looks embarrassed, but she wants to know.  Isabelle obliges — Jace is Isabelle's brother in every way. Her parents took Jace in when the boy was ten. They learned to fight together, and do so, side by side.

Clary looks sick at the idea of fighting like a shadowhunter, and expresses her worry, but Isabelle tells Clary that the girl was born to the shadowhunter life, even if Clary doesn't feel the part yet.

The girls then transition into more exposition:

"But now we need to find Dot."

"And track down the most dangerous rogue shadowhunter in history before he kills us all. Let's go."

Scene Eleven

Luke is swaggering around a darkened police station.  He notes his coworker from the previous episode walking by and flags the man down.  He tells the coworker that Clary was at the station the night before, when the Circle members were there. He instructs the coworker to "work the Simon Lewis angle," to find Clary by finding her best friend.

Scene Twelve

Back at the Institute, Simon and Clary are putting on their coats. Simon is talking to Clary frantically under his breath. "We can find Dot without these guys, let's GO."

But Clary will not be deterred.  She tells Simon that they need the shadowhunters. Simon and Clary have no idea how to kill demons.

"Just one internet search away," Simon objects.

Meanwhile, Isabelle has opened a weapons locker and is stroking the seraph blades inside fondly. Jace comes up.  The two bet that Alec will disapprove of the mission in three, two...

"I disapprove of this mission," barks Alec, striding up. "I contacted the Clave, they're going to send seelie scouts in." The teen shadowhunters are off the job.

Clary says she's going to look for Dot with or without the Clave's approval.

Jace pleads to Alec — Clary won't be safe out there alone. Isabelle agrees with Jace and Clary, to Alec's consternation.

"Where should we start then?" Alec asks Clary hostilely.

Clary begins to mutter about Dot's apartment, while fiddling with her magical necklace, but the jewelry gives her a vision just then — of Dot running into Magnus Bane's club, PANDEMONIUM. She tells the shadowhunters that she knows where to find Dot.

"Great, I'll drive!" pipes Simon.

Scene Thirteen

Inside Pandemonium, Magnus Bane is sending a line of warlocks through a portal, telling them that it's their last train to salvation. Dot comes running up and latches onto Magnus's arm.  He gives her a withering look for touching his person.

Dot cries about Jocelyn being missing, but Magnus is unmoved. Valentine, Magnus explains, is hunting down warlocks one-by-one, trying to find the one who put Jocelyn into a magical slumber.

Magnus invites "Dorothy" to hop through the portal with him, but Dot can't leave the shadowhunters behind, not when they're in a lurch like this.  Magnus scoffs, refuses to put his life on the line for a hostile species, and walks through the portal.

Dot runs out of the club.  She exits into an alley, looking super uncomfortable at being a lone female in the city at night. Her instincts are spot on, because when she turns the corner, Circle members accost her.

Meanwhile, nearby, Clary and the rest are striding towards the club.  Clary grasps her necklace and sees Dot's attack.  She screams for Dot and runs...

But when she arrives at the scene of the attack, Dot and the Circle goons are gone.  She hastily explains what happened to her comrades and they run into Pandemonium, searching for Dot.

Inside, the club is empty, and Dot is nowhere to be found. Clary despairs, knowing that the Circle must have Dot, who's like her big sister, in their clutches.

Jace mentions that there's one other thing they can do to bring back her memories... visit the Silent Brothers.

Alec, AND Isabelle this time, object stridently to this plan.  The Silent Brothers can retrieve memories, but the process could kill Clary.

Clary, of course, is all for the plan, if it helps to get her mother back. If anyone has a better way to do that she's all ears.

But no one has a better plan, so it's off to the Silent Brothers and their "City of Bones." Jace is triumphant.

Scene Fourteen

Simon's yellow band-wagon is parked in a seedy, weedy part of town, full of brush and abandoned machinery. There are some torches lit, lighting a path to a creepy looking structure. Jace tells Clary and Simon to stay behind while he scouts for danger with Alec and Isabelle.

When they're off a ways, Alec and Jace start a conversation. Alec warns Jace that if Clary's injured in this endeavor, the responsibility will be on them, the shadowhunters.

Jace defends himself, saying that it's of crucial importance that they get the Cup before Valentine.  Besides, Clary has the right to risk herself.  She's lost everything and Jace knows exactly what that feels like.

"What's your problem with her, anyway?" Jace continues.  He thought Alec's family liked picking up strays.

Alec reassures Jace that he was never a stray, not in Alec's family's eyes.

Jace tells Alec that nothing has changed between them.  There's just one more family member in the fight.

Back at Clary and Simon's pow-wow, Simon is wondering at Clary's calm in the tornado of weird that has just swept the two of them up. Clary insists that her life is actually just starting to make sense, but that it won't be much of a life until her mom is with her again.

Jace interrupts, saying that the coast is clear.

Scene Fifteen

Inside the laboratory at Chernobyl, Dot is in a cell, a ways away from Jocelyn's floating body. Valentine stops by.  He slickly bemoans the fact that Dot won't cooperate and wake Jocelyn.  Dot may be old, but she isn't wise.

Dot protests, saying that the warlock who made the potion is the one to reverse it.  Valentine demands a name, but Dot won't give one up. Valentine grabs one of his humongous syringes and plunges it into Dot's neck.

Scene Sixteen

Back at the weed-ridden, torch-lit path to the City of Bones, Clary and Jace are alone.  The others have lagged behind. Jace warns Clary that the Silent Brothers will hold a Soul-Sword to her head and carve the truth from her mind to get at her memories. If she isn't "strong" enough, she will die.  The pain will be excruciating...

Jace seems to second guess himself at this point, but Clary insists that she will do anything to retrieve her mother.

The group approaches the entrance to the City of Bones.  Jace bars Simon's progress. Simon will die if he enters the City.  Jace was joking before about the training room, but the rune-energy here IS lethal.  Isabelle volunteers to stay behind with Simon, while Alec, rolling his eyes, retreats to the perimeter.

Clary gives Simon a lingering hug good-bye and Jace barks for Clary to not keep the Silent Brothers waiting.  Clary goes to him and Jace places a hand on her back. Simon watches them go.

Reading this fraught situation, Isabelle decides to stir the cauldron by whispering in Simon's ear: "They're getting to be quite the team!"

Scene Seventeen

At the police station that never turns on the lights, Vargas is on the warpath.  She's caught on to Luke's suspicious behavior, especially because one of his "witnesses," a circle member, turned up dead outside an old church. And his other "witness," the sexy Goon Six, was horribly mauled in a parking garage.  Vargas warns Luke to not give her a reason to doubt him.

She clicks away and Luke's coworker quietly berates him for flying above the radar.  And also, Luke had better find Clary soon or the Circle will get her.

Luke mutters that he will find Clary. No one knows her better than him.

Scene Eighteen

Back with Jace and Clary, they are descending into the City of Bones.  Jace pulls out a glowing stone, "a WITCHLIGHT," which he says all shadowhunters carry to remind them that "there is light, even in the darkest of places."

What can I say? This reminds me VERY STRONGLY of Lord of the Rings, when Galadriel gives Frodo that pretty, glow-y crystal, calling it the elves' "brightest star... may it be a light to you when all other lights go out." But J.R.R. Tolkien is dead, so I guess this is more homage than rip-off.

Anyway, Jace gives Clary the witchlight and the two move towards a statue of an angel wielding the Mortal Cup and a sword. On the sword, the shadowhunter creed is written: "NEPHILIM FACILIS DECURSUS IN INFERNUM EST." At first Jace tells Clary that it means, "Shadowhunters: Looking Better In Black Than the Widows of Our Enemies," but she's not fooled. Okay, it means "For Shadowhunters, The Descent Into Hell Is Easy." The sword points towards the path down into the City of Bones.

The two reach a lighter area and Jace takes the witchlight from Clary and pockets it.  It's a bit abrupt, so maybe that's why — or the fact that she might soon die — that causes her to apologize to Jace for saying that stuff about him not knowing about mothers earlier.

Jace grins.  "You assume I have feelings. I don't."  His mother died when he was a baby. His father died when he was ten. He keeps it together.

"Wait. Is your father buried here?" asks Clary with horror.

"... No. Circle members aren't allowed to be buried in the City of Bones." Jace's face twitches and convulses with anger and pain.  The actor goes for it so hard. I guess Jace is not so together after all. "My father tried to leave the Circle, and it cost him his LIFE."

Clary gets a realization. "That's why you're helping me."

Jace's face continues to tremble and spasm. "Valentine and his followers need to PAY."

Clary takes Jace's hand, tenderly. "For what's it's worth, I'm sorry."

Jace grins, his face normal once again. No more of that. "You're a shadowhunter now."

The two, with clasped hands, walk into the City of Bones. Unsurprisingly, there are crumbly, human remains everywhere. They stop at a rune on the floor, which Clary recognizes from having drawn it before.  It mean's "clairvoyance," explains Jace.

Then the torches flare! They are surrounded by men in robes. Their... how can I say this... their mouths and eyes are sewn shut.  It's gross! I actually shout "ew!" when I see this, instead of guffawing like I did at the movie version of the Silent Brothers. I don't remember the Brother's eyes being that way in the film version, but it's GROSS here. There are these awful puckered gaps in the eyelids... ugh, I can't.

One of the Brothers removes his hood, with pale, mouldering hands.  He speaks to Clary and Jace inside their heads. "SHADOWHUNTER...COME INTO THE CIRCLE." He gestures to Clary.

Clary does so.

"STEP AWAY, JACE WAYLAND!" bellows the Silent Brother clairvoyantly. Jace backs up, letting Clary know that he'll be waiting in the wings.

The Silent Brother asks Clary again if she's sure she wants to go through with the process of retrieving her memories.  He tells her, as we've heard before, that if she's not strong enough the Soul-Sword will kill her.

Clary flashes back to all of the encouragement we've seen her get this episode and last.  Everyone's building her up! She's more powerful than she knows! She was born to do this! She's a SHADOWHUNTER!

Clary nods. She's ready.

Scene Nineteen

Back to Simon, Isabelle, and Alec, who are waiting outside.  Simon is uncertain about his choice to stay behind.  Does Jace really have this under hand? Simon is just worry-worting away and it annoys Alec, who snaps rudely.

Simon balks at Alec's bad manners, but Isabelle explains that Alec just suffers from Oldest Child Syndrome.

Ah yes, says Simon, he's an only son as well.  Lots of responsibility. His mom wants him to be a CPA.

"And you?" purrs Isabelle. "What do you want?"

"Well... I'm in a band."

"REALLY?!? What kind of music? Let me guess... Indie rock?"

"Yeah," blushes Simon prettily.

"Do you have any songs on your phone?"

Simon has the last set recorded, actually, but the phone is in the car.

Oh, let's GO to the CAR, Isabelle says, all but waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Alec intones mildly dismay at Isabelle's choice of make-out partner, but Isabelle brushes him off.

"It passes the time."

Simon: "I can hear you, you know."

In the van, Maureen is texting Simon's phone.  She wants to know if they're still on for rehearsal tonight.  Simon ignores her, instead trying to find the right set clip to impress Isabelle.

Suddenly Isabelle hears something.  She goes off, warning Simon to stay in the van.  Simon swears he will and then puts on his oversize headphones to wait. He tries pick a song, but discards his first choice. He moves onto the next choice.  This song has to be perfect. Is has to be — a long-nailed hand clamps onto him from behind!!!

Scene Twenty

 

In the City of Bones, the brothers chant in a circle around Clary. The Soul-Sword descends upon her from above, almost piercing her forehead. She flashes back to a blocked memory.

Luke and Jocelyn are talking within earshot of Clary, who is pretending to be asleep.  Clary hears as Luke tries to persuade Jocelyn to stop blocking Clary's memories.  Jocelyn objects, saying that if Clary ever found out that a dude like Valentine was her father, it would destroy her.

Clary comes back to the present. The Soul-Sword has pierced her skin, and a little rivulet of blood is on her head. She's gasping, hard.

The Silent Brothers say that only fragments of memories were accessible.  Jace asks after the Mortal Cup, but Clary still doesn't know anything about that.  What she found out... is... that Valentine is... Valentine is her father!

Jace looks shocked and Clary runs off, in distress.

Scene Twenty-One

Dot is alone in her cell.  She has survived Valentine's Chernobyl Injection Special for the time being. She breaks her cage lock with magic. She limps towards Jocelyn, saying that she knows Jocelyn can hear.  Clary is so brave and strong and she won't let Valentine win.

Dot is almost to Jocelyn when Circle Goon Two jumps her. Two chokes Dot against a laboratory desk, but Dot reaches for a syringe, in the style of Grace Kelly in Dial M For Murder, and gives Two the Chernobyl Special in the neck.

Dot is crawling away from Two's convulsing body when Valentine appears. He bends over Two, compliments his loyalty and sacrifice, and pushes the syringe plunger in all the way.  Two dies.

Meanwhile, Dot has made it about three feet. Valentine easy traps her and kills her with a seraph blade, stating that Dot was right. "I was never going to let you go."

Scene Twenty-Two

Clary and Jace emerge from the City of Bones. Alec is straight to business: "What did you find out."

The two confide the truth — that Valentine is Clary's father.

Alec immediately posits that Clary is a spy for Valentine, but Jace and Clary object to this, especially Clary, who is in great distress. Her unease sharpens when Isabelle shows up and relates the alarming truth — Simon has disappeared.

Back at the van, Clary fumbles with Simon's headphones on his empty seat. "Simon!" she keens.

But they don't even have to search, because Simon's kidnappers reveal themselves.  They're standing on top of a nearby... fire tower? Electrical tower? Some sort of tower — dangling Simon by his ankles.

Jace informs the kidnappers that he will gladly destroy them.

"Careful," says Alec. "You'll be violating the Accords."

The vampires holding Simon look smug. And they are vampires, although they call themselves "Night Children." We can see their fangs.  (The one holding Simon is a smoking Asian girl in a red dress.) The vampires will exchange Simon for the Mortal Cup. No more, no less. With that, the vamps drop the mike and disappear with our favorite geek.

The End

And that, dear readers, is that. I can't believe I finished a second one of these recaps.  It was easier, this time around, mainly because I typed WAY less and am grateful for it.

I give this episode three stars out of five. I liked it!

Shadowhunters Recap » The Mortal Cup

I have always wanted to try my hand at television recaps, ever since Television Without Pity was in its prime, and you know, I have my own blog — there is absolutely nothing stopping me.  I really want to share my thoughts on the new Shadowhunters TV premiere on ABC Family Freeform, which is based off of the successful book series by Cassandra Clare. So, welcome to my new feature, all.

This is a ***minute*** recap of the pilot, episode one, of Shadowhunters. The episode is titled: The Mortal Cup.

The Opening Scene

We open to the nighttime skyscape of a city with some hip-slinging mood music and quickly cut to a side street in what looks like a repurposed factory district where people are out and about. The camera pans to a suited, old asian man, who couldn't look more shifty if he was, you know, an actor paid to look shifty.  To add even more emphasis to the fact that this grandpa is bad news, the camera cuts to a static black-and-white angle, meant to represent a security camera. I get it.  This old guy is trouble.

Our Shifty Grandpa walks on, but the camera lingers on a solemn young man, who turns about and looks after Grandpa intently, before trailing after him.  Shifty Grandpa has a stalker!

Shifty Grandpa glances over his shoulder, but Solemn Youth flies into the air and disappears before he can be spotted. Grandpa kind of shrugs at seeing no discernible threat and walks on.

The camera moves upward, and we see a young woman standing on the rooftops above the street. She moves sexily upward from her crouch, flashing us her leg, which is poking out of her long black trench coat.  She's wearing a white bob wig, and her whole look — trench, wig, lipstick —  is like she's playing dress-up as a spy chick.

She looks off in the direction that Shifty Grandpa went.  She whips out what looks like a magic wand with a crystal stuck on the end and moves it over the skin of her forearm, like a scanner.  Her skin there glows like lava briefly, and Spy Chick looks very satisfied with whatever she's just done to herself. She jumps impossibly to the next rooftop and starts following Shifty Grandpa from above, moving, almost grooving, as if she can hear the soundtrack, in which a woman is wailing about "monsters stuck in your head."

Meanwhile, Shifty Grandpa is walking below, and is shoulder checked by a man in a track suit.  Then, shifty grandpa MORPHS INTO TRACK SUIT MAN!  Shifty Grandpa Tracksuit Man continues on his trek.  Above him, Spy Chick has seen all of this and doesn't look particularly surprised.

The camera cuts to another portion of the rooftops and we see a third stalker.  This guy is blonde and kind of built. He's holding his arms out from his sides in a muscle-bound way.

On the street, Tracksuit Man smacks into a sexy lady and becomes Sexy Lady.  Her eyes flare unnaturally and she smiles in a smug manner, impressed with herself and her dastardly business, whatever it is.

The soundtrack singer wails, "the hunt has just begun," and all three stalkers — Solemn Youth, Spy Chick, and Muscle Bound — join together on the rooftops and turn their backs to the camera.  Then they do a SIMULTANEOUS BACKFLIP to the ground. They follow Sexy Lady and the camera zooms into Muscle Bound's lower stomach region.  It's a weird place for the camera to zoom into.

Sexy Lady is walking into a club called "PANDEMONIUM, the sign of which flashes "DEMON" at intervals. Hint, hint.

Behind her, Muscle Bound shoulder checks a girl with long, red hair, who was chilling outside the club by a yellow van.

WHAT IS WITH ALL OF THE SHOULDER CHECKING?! The sound editors had to have "shoulder-check-smack.mp3" flagged for frequent use on their computers, because this is seriously the third or fourth time in less than a minute that I've heard that audio effect and seen people careen into each other.

The redheaded girl is finally the person who acts like an accurate New Yorker and is all, "Excuse YOU!" to Muscle Bound. He turns around and approaches her.  The camera lingers on Redhead's face.  She can't seem to close her mouth, poor dear.

Muscle Bound speaks!  He says, "You can see me?"

Then it's time for the animated title card — SHADOWHUNTERS: THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS.

Scene Two

Some text reads "Eight Hours Earlier" over a shot of the Brooklyn Bridge during the day. The camera pans out from from a news rag with the headline about "MURDERS" and focuses on Redhead, who is holding a portfolio and walking into a building — The Brooklyn Academy of Art.  Redhead's hair is long and carrot-y in a very luminous way.  It is loosely curled in the fashionable manner as of PROM 2015.  Her curls bob and undulate with her every step and it is very distracting.

Redhead walks into a cavernous room, taking a deep breath, and approaches a table where three adults sit.  They are clearly an admissions panel.

"Hi," Redhead breaths nervously. "I'm Clary Fray?"

WE HAVE A NAME! (not that I didn't know it already)

The admissions panel all have their hands folded in front of them, synchronized, like they're part of the Admissions Ballet.

Clary gets out some pieces of work from her portfolio. We get to see a decent charcoal landscape of ocean and rocks.

"This landscape is very... decorative," says one of the admissions panelists. Rude.

Clary mutters that she wasn't going for decorative. She tries to hide her sketchbook from the Rude Panelist, who grabs at Clary's doodles of monsters and symbols.  Clary is obviously embarrassed that her leisure art is being examined, but Rude Panelist has lasered on. "The Brooklyn Academy of Art doesn't believe in mistakes," she says to Clary's insistence that the doodles were exposed to the panel by accident.

Clary gulps.

Scene Three

Clary walks into a coffee shop looking frustrated as all hell.  She shrugs her shoulders at her waiting friend and huffs. She's the picture of disappointment. Her friend, a bespectacled young man who is stealthily hot, says that he will END the dean of the Brooklyn Academy of Art with a scathing email.

Clary smiles impishly and passes her acceptance letter over to her friend.  He smiles ruefully at her successful prank and they share a familial fist bump. Clary tells him that her acceptance was due to her doodled ideas for their graphic novel. Her friend says that Clary is very welcome that he helped her in any small way.

We are then treated to some horribly stilted expository dialogue.

"This will go down in history as the greatest eighteenth birthday I've ever had."

"Which is why we are celebrating tonight with Maureen."

Oh god.

Clary asks slyly about what is up with him and Maureen.

He splutters,  "What? No!"

Clary then asks "Simon" how he can not notice how someone is in love with him.  Simon looks besotted-ly back at Clary and says he is not the first person to make that oversight.  Poor, unrequited Simon.

During their conversation, the camera had lingered over a piece of biscotti on their table. Now, Clary looks down at the table and the biscotti has TURNED INTO A GRAPHITE DRAWING!!!!

Simon is all, "What are you staring at?"

Clary: "I could have sworn I had a biscotti."

Simon, is like, "Uh, you don't have a biscotti, but I do. You can have mine."

He's confused. Clary's confused. I'm confused.

They clink their coffee cups and give each other a Jewish toast, l'chaim, but Clary looks at the graphite biscotti out of the corner of her eye, dismayed. I'd be worried too, Clary. Worried of Late Adolescent-Onset Schizophrenia.

Scene Four

The camera cuts to a new location, featuring a new character — an extremely handsome black man in work attire. He has a badge on his belt and swaggers moodily towards a murder scene.

The dead body is a woman, lying on the gravel ground naked, except for some artfully wrapped red satin and one lace-up high heeled shoe.

"Same MO as the others," the Handsome Badge Man murmers. Nice police lingo.

"Yes," says his co-worker. "Drained of blood like the others."

The police dog, meanwhile, is barking away. But Handsome Badge Man glares at the dog, who starts cowering. Weird... What could that mean in a show about supernaturals???

Instead of remarking on Badge Man's Cesar-Millan powers, the co-worker, equally handsome and non-white, says, "This makes seven."

"Yeah. Not good." says Badge Man.  Wow. Amazing work, screenwriters.

A female co-worker joins the handsome pair.

These three members of New York's finest exchange some unintelligible dialogue about the murders, all very blasé.  Handsome Badge Man's phone rings.  The camera shows the picture of a middle aged woman calling him, with the name "Jocelyn" under her picture. Badge Man declines the call. The female co-worker is like, "Marry the woman, what are you waiting for?"

Badge Man looks troubled and mutters some excuse.  His phone chimes again and this time he excuses himself to take the call, saying, "It's for Clary's birthday."

His co-worker calls to his retreating back, "You're already acting like a husband, go be one!" Takes some nerve.

Scene Five

We cut to Clary who is bobbing to a new location, her hair swinging and shining — not acting like normal hair, but like the love child of hair and a super nova. You can't look away. Clary walks into a building.

Cut to a closeup of a be-ringed finger tapping the Death card in a tarot spread. It's a younger woman, dressed in the kind of print-heavy, colorful clothes that spirituals usually wear. She's contemplating the cards when Clary bounces in.

"Hey, Dawt. How's the future lookin'?" Her accent is a little southern.

Not as good as Clary's, says Dot. "The cards tell me you got into the Advanced Program!"

The girls joke about how Dot really found out from Simon's twitter account. Dot has bought Clary a congratulatory present — a sexy shirt! "Don't tell your mom!" begs Dot.

Clary says that Dot is way better at gift giving than she is at magically predicting the future. Clary says this with a fey smile, inoffensively, but it's still kind of offensive, right?

Dot then surprises Clary by hugging her and telling saying "I love you, Clary." I guess they're close.

Clary asks Dot what's up.  Dot demurs, sending Clary off to her mother, but she looks troubled. Clary goes off and Dot closes the shop, looking all kinds of weirded out.

Scene Six

Clary clomps into a residence, shouting, "Mom!"

"You did iiiiiit! Yaaaaaay!" squeals Jocelyn, hurrying forward.

More jokes about Simon's twitter account. "He only has ninety-two followers," says Jocelyn, rolling her eyes. Um, that's ten more than I have, Jocelyn. You got a problem?

Jocelyn is suddenly holding a box in her hand that wasn't there before. I'm pretty sure that wasn't magic and was just an editing shortcut. "Happy birthday," she tells Clary, with no small amount of gravity.

Clary opens the box and inside is a wand with a crystal stuck on the end.  Hey! That's what Spy Chick used on her forearm in the opening scene!

"It's called a stele," breathes Jocelyn. "It's very ancient."

"Is it, like, a paperweight?" asks Clary.  Damn, girl. That 'tude is going to bite you in the tush one day.

"No," says Jocelyn. "It's much more than that. It's a family heirloom."

Clary inspects a carving on the wooden handle of the stele. "I doodled something like this just this morning."

Jocelyn barely suppresses her alarm. "Honey, we need to talk," she says.

Clary brushes her mother off.  "I can't right now. I need to go change. Simon's taking me out to see Champagne Enema tonight." Clary pushes aside her mother's further entreaties and kisses Jocelyn on the forehead before taking off.

HOLD UP. If my mom told me she needed to talk to me stat, you better believe I'd sit my ass down and prepare myself.  I would not kiss my mother on the forehead (who does that?) and bustle away.

"Thank you for the heirloom. Love you." Clary tosses behind her back as she hurries off. Jocelyn looks upset, and rightly so. She raised a rude daughter.

Scene Seven

Cut to Clary wearing her sexy shirt in front of the mirror.  She looks uncomfortable and zips a lame hoodie up over it.  She picks up the stele.

Cut to Jocelyn, who is stroking Clary's sketchbook, looking wistful.  We fade into a flashback. "TEN YEARS AGO."

Young Clary is playing by a pond in a park, with the coolest mermaid doll I've ever seen. I want that doll. Nevermind that I already have one similar. It's not as cool as Clary's.

Jocelyn is sitting on a park bench nearby, watching fondly.  A stranger sitting on the bench with Jocelyn comments that Clary looks just like Jocelyn. "It's the hair," replies Jocelyn. They're both rip-off redheads.

Cut back to Clary, who waves her doll's hand at a toad. Hello, toad!  But then. The pond starts to ripple alarmingly and the toad hops away. Smart toad, because a POND MONSTER ERUPTS from the waters, looking all kinds of huge, menacing and terrifying! It's good art design!

Jocelyn whips out a stele and scans her forearm, which glows like lava.  Jocelyn disappears, leaving a confused bench-mate behind.

The pond monster screeches in Clary's face and looks about ready to bite her head off when — "HA!" Jocelyn destroys the monster with a glowing sword thing in one hand and the stele in the other.  We don't see what she did, but the pond monster collapses into writhing sparks. "Come on," Jocelyn tells young Clary.

Cut to them knocking on a round hobbit door. "Magnus!" cries Jocelyn frantically, like she's being chased. The lion head embellishment at the center of the door recedes, revealing a very large peephole.  An extremely attractive asian dude (Harry Shum Jr. from Glee!) with cat eyes is revealed to be inside. He glares at Jocelyn, unsmilingly.

We cut to the inside of Magnus's place, which is decorated in an antique asian theme.  Young Clary is tied to a post.  Yeah, you read that right.  She's tied to a post with ropes.  Why not a train track, Jocelyn?

We are treated again to some horribly expository dialogue: "Only a warlock can do this Magnus. I don't want her to be a part of our world. Please take her memories."

Magnus decries Jocelyn's motives — "you're not protecting her, you're deceiving her" — but does a magical hand dance, conjuring up some pretty lights, and sucks away Clary's memories of the supernatural.

With that, the flashback ends.

Scene Eight

We arrive back to the current time with a closeup of Jocelyn stroking Clary's sketchbook, looking thoroughly bummed out.  I'd be too, if I'd tied my daughter to a post then had a hot asian guy suck her memories out.

Then, Handsome Badge Man pops in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.  That ought to cheer Jocelyn up!

He briefly states that he was held up because another demonic murder happened.  What a shame. They murmur over Clary's doodles.  Handsome Badge Man seems to be in the know.  He urges Jocelyn to open up to Clary about the supernatural, saying that their lives will be in danger the longer she puts it off.  Jocelyn looks as if she might weep.

Clary appears, naming Badge Man. "Hey Luke, what's up?"

Luke happily gives Clary the shopping bag.  At first I think it's a six-pack of beer, but it's just six spray paint cans in a six-pack holder.  It has some curly ribbons on it and it's very sweet of Luke. He got it for Clary in order for her to change Simon's band logo on his van, because "Champagne Enema" has to be replaced with a better name.

Luke spots the stele in Clary's hoodie pocket and begins to give her the talk Jocelyn wanted to have — "Clary, you're turning eighteen..." — but Clary throws that attitude around some more and cuts him off.

Simon then appears, interrupting Luke and Jocelyn's urgent talk. He's arrived to whisk Clary off to his gig and then a birthday celebration.  Jocelyn tries to persuade them to come back to the apartment after the gig, saying that the city isn't safe these days, but Clary brushes her mom off AGAIN and starts marching off. Who's in charge here, Jocelyn?

Simon turns back though, because he smells some of Jocelyn's good cookin'.  He doesn't grab a plate or anything, but he does lighten the mood.  Clary and her mom hug and Luke and Simon briefly make goofy gestures at each other in a buddy-buddy way. Jocelyn makes Clary promise to talk to her at breakfast tomorrow. Clary says okay, but reminds Jocelyn that she is an ADULT now, dammit.

Clary hops on Simons back and they depart. Jocelyn confides to Luke that she wants Clary's childhood to last as long as possible, even if it's for one more day. Luke sighs and nods. He IS like a parent to Clary, huh?

Scene Nine

"My mom is SO overprotective lately," complains Clary.  She, Simon, and a girl who is probably the afore-mentioned Maureen are sitting on top of Simon's yellow van. It's night. Simon, holding a guitar, jokes about Ripley and the Alien Queen.

Is Jocelyn Ripley in this scenario, or the Alien Queen, asks Clary. Damn. Funny, but damn.

Clary mades a point about how Jocelyn is defending Clary from nothing.  Clary spends all of her time in the studio doodling and never does anything dangerous, so what does Jocelyn have to worry about?

We then get the worst segue of all time: "My life couldn't be more mundane. Besides I don't know much about when my mom was young." I don't follow that connection, screenwriters.

They chat briefly about how Jocelyn has no family and Clary's dad died before Clary was born.  It's just Clary and her mom (what about Luke?) and Clary knows next to nothing about Jocelyn's backstory, as it were.

Simon pops in with an upbeat joke.  His family has basically adopted the Frays. They put out three extra chairs at each Seder meal — one for Clary, one for Jocelyn, and one for Elijah. Ha!

Maureen wonders if Clary's mom has deep, dark secrets she's hiding.  Clary scoffs.  Jocelyn is incapable of hiding anything from Clary. Cut to Jocelyn wrenching open a storage box.  She takes out a wooden handle covered in symbols.  A glowing blade shoots out of it! Take THAT, Clary.

Scene Ten

We cut to a beautiful girl in her room.  She's standing in front of a mirror admiring herself, and wow, does she have a lot to admire.  She's rocking a two-piece white, vinyl dress and is holding a white bob wig on one hand and a blue curly one on the other, considering them coyly.  It's Spy Chick!

"Isabeeel, let's GO," whines a male voice from offscreen.

Isabel flings the blue wig aside and sha-shays out of her room, stroking the white bob of choice. On her skin, strange symbols are etched.

"Hey there, big bro," she says to Solemn Youth, who is waiting for her. He has symbols on him too, only his are darker, more like traditional tattoos.

He scans her getup briefly. "Really?" he says.

Isabel insists that demons love blondes.  But the wig is white, argues Solemn Youth.

"Platinum," Isabel corrects.  She then says something about how demons DON'T like Shakespeare. I'm confused. Maybe she's implying that demons don't go for intellect?

Her brother, who Isabel calls "Alec" says that Isabel is plenty distracting as her natural self, but that she's done a good job with her costuming. "Now let's go," he says gruffly.

They walk down some stairs into a headquarters of some kind.  It's half church and half tech-y spy room, and is filled with bustling people wearing black uniforms, just like I had when I worked at Olive Garden. I wonder if they had the trouble with pet hair and lint that I did. They're walking around busily, examining old papers, and flicking at futuristic looking screens.

Muscle Bound — called "Jace" by Isabel, is waiting for them. "Nice choice, Izzy," he says. "Demons dig blondes." Jace is blonde himself, sandy haired, with that hitler-cut that's popular now — buzzed sides, long on top. He's all business, tapping away at a city schematic on a screen, upon which a red target spins. Could these spy people be zeroing in on something?

"For some reason our demon friends are killing mundanes and draining their blood," says Jace, expositorily. They start walking and talking.  Why aren't vampires doing the bloodsucking, they wonder.

"And what could be so special about mundane blood?" posits Izzy aloud. She tells the boys to get her a sample and she'll tell them what's up with that blood. Is she some kind of chemist?

They arrive at a weapons locker and get out the same kind of glow-y blades that Jocelyn was unpacking earlier.

"We need to find out who the demons are working for," says Jace.  He doesn't think they're acting on their own.

Alec maligns demons as uncreative shapeshifters, awkwardly segueing them to a screen depicting none other than Shifty Grandpa. Who knew he'd turn out to literally and metaphorically be shifty.

This is their target, says Jace. "He looks like THIS."

Not for much longer, says Isabel.

Alec says, "Great. I'll get approval for the mission."

Jace and Isabel scoff at him.  They're going to go on this mission sans approval, duh.  Alec says nothing in reply, but walks out of HQ with Isabel and Jace. I guess he's the goody-goody of the trio, but doesn't like to be left behind by the cool kids.

Scene Eleven

We cut to Simon and Maureen on a little coffee shop stage.  Simon is strumming his guitar, wailing the lyrics to Forever Young. He gazes soppily at Clary in the audience while he sings. Maureen, playing the electric keyboard with one finger, gazes soppily at Simon.  The song ends and the audience claps. Clary whoops.  Simon looks overjoyed at this bountiful reception, stage drunk.  He beams at Maureen who smiles heartbrokenly back at him.  She knows her crush is doomed.  At least she's aware of that.

Cut to the threesome packing up the meager instruments into the van. Maureen and Simon thank Clary for being their roadie and band artist. Simon whips off his shirt to change. Apparently because he got so sweaty strumming his guitar in the coffee shop???

Clary looks at shirtless Simon askance, more weirded out than beguiled, and says, "SO." I'm with you, Clary.

She brings up the band name.  They're going to change it to Rock Solid Panda.  Clary is ON the new artwork. "I'm feeling inspired."  She heads to the side of the van with her spray paint.

We cut to her stepping back from the van.  Apparently, she's been at work for a while. Below "Champagne Enema," she's painted "Rock Solid Panda," but has also painted a strange symbol, one we've seen etched onto Isabel's skin in the previous scene.

"What is that tag?" asks Simon. Clary doesn't remember painting it at all. So weird.

Then comes the moment we've been waiting for.  The camera cuts to a wide angle and we see that the van is parked outside of PANDEMONIUM. The shapeshifting demon, Sexy Lady, is striding into the club. Tailing her, Jace knocks into Clary.

"Hey! Can you watch where you're going?!"

"You can SEE me??!?!"

Now we're fully caught up with the events of the opening scene.  What is the first thing that happens next? Clary dips her eyes and checks Jace out, not bothering to hide her interest. "You clearly didn't see me," she flirts.

But Jace cannot be deterred. "YOU have the SIGHT? How can I not know who you are?"

Clary is taken aback by his bewilderment, but she can roll with dumb if it comes in such pretty packaging. "Has that line seriously ever worked for you," she shakes her head, tossing her hair a little. The camera focuses on Simon, to the side of her, who is wearing the most hilariously weirded out expression.

We see Clary's little tete-a-tete from his perspective.  Clary is talking to thin air.

Alec shouts after Jace, who takes off, looking shaken. Clary wanders back to Simon and Maureen. They confer and quickly deduce that Clary's acting nuts. They saw no blonde dude with Clary. What was in her latte?

Clary sets her jaw and unzips her hoodie, revealing her sexy shirt. She marches towards the club. She's going to go get some answers.

"Remember, your fake ID sucks!" warns Simon.

Scene Twelve

We're in da club now. There's pounding music and extras dancing lamely. Sexy Lady Demon strides through the throng, looking superior. Jace, Alec, and Isabel tail her. They follow Sexy Lady Demon for a while until she arrives at two dudes wearing sunglasses. I guess they take UV protection seriously.

"More mundane blood for your boss," she coos and walks off.

Meanwhile, Clary, Simon, and Maureen have somehow gotten into PANDEMONIUM. Clary spots Jace in the crowd, following Sexy Lady Demon. She takes off.  Simon awkwardly announces that he'll go fail at buying some alcoholic drinks. Maureen tags along. Does Clary want any? "Clary?"

But Clary is after Jace like a bloodhound on a scent trail. She passes someone we've seen before. Reclined in a chair, and in the center of a group of sexily and sparsely dressed people is MAGNUS. He sips from what looks to be a gin and tonic, held for him by a minion. That's my drink, too, Magnus! I like mine with extra lime and diet tonic water. You?

Clary passes by the UV Protection Clowns.  They stare after her. Magnus sees them staring after Clary and unfolds himself from his chair with cat-like grace.  Harry Shum Jr. is a gem.

Magnus approaches the Clowns.  "Circle Members aren't welcome in my club," he tells them imperiously.

Circle Clown 1 says that all that bad stuff went down a long time ago.  Not to Magnus.  For him, he says, it was just the blink of an eye. Circle Clown 2 lunges at Magnus. Magnus's eyes flash into feline slits and he casts a spell on Clown 2, levitating and choking him. Circle Clown 1 sneers, but is ultimately impotent.  Magnus orders them to leave.

Clary, meanwhile, is following Jace, who disappears into an exclusive, curtained-off area, where Sexy Lady Demon has gone.

Inside this VIP area, Jace cues Izzy to do her thing.  Isabel strides over to a little stand, alights upon it, and whips off her trench coat and wig.  She begins to undulate to the club music in her skimpy, vinyl dress. I guess her demon sex appeal is off the charts, cause all these beefy dudes with neon flashing eyes approach her and begin to leer.

We cut to Clary, who, outside the VIP area, decides to gain entrance by attaching herself to the arm of a beefy dude walking into it.  "Someone works out," she coos, stoking his muscles. Ew. The beefy dude, a demon, by the looks of his flashing eyeballs, dumbly continues walking, despite the girl now latched onto him. "Cool contacts," says Clary.

Jace, taking advantage, I guess, of Isabel's distraction, approaches Sexy Lady Demon and curls an arm around her from behind. "I've heard you've been peddling demon blood," he murmurs into her ear, seductively.

"Why? Looking to score?" says the Sexy Lady Demon.

"No," says Jace. He turns threatening. She's going to tell him who is.

The Sexy Lady demon turns to Jace and tells him that he's outnumbered in this club. Jace, however, seeing Alec in the wings, likes his odds.

Clary approaches as Jace unsheathes his glowing blade, saying it's the demon's last chance to spill. Clary flips out, seeing the weapon and pushes the Sexy Lady Demon aside, "rescuing her." But Sexy Lady Demon reveals her true mouth, then — a hideous, toothy maw. Jace pushes Clary to safety, sending her flying into a wall.  He dispatches Sexy Lady Demon in a shower of sparks.

The cat's out of the bag now! Isabel conjures up a whip and starts kicking the butts of the now aggressive demons around her.

Jace assists Clary to her feet, asking if she's hurt, but his distraction causes an attacking demon to knock the blade out of his hand.  The blade goes out. Jace and the demon struggle. Clary picks up Jace's weapon.  It responds to her touch, the glowing blade appearing once again. The demon fighting with Jace falls onto the blade and disintegrates. Clary and Jace look shocked.

We get an extended clip of Isabel, Jace, and Alec fighting off demons in the VIP lounge, while the DJ continues to spin on the balcony above.  I guess he can't see what's going on, because they're all invisible.

Not to Clary, though.  She's freaked out, and scampers off.  She races out into the club, briefly knocking into Magnus. She apologizes. GOOD GIRL. Magnus, however, raises his hand and casts a spell.  It's unclear what he does, but Clary looks unnerved.  She pushes her way through the crowd, ignoring Simon, who has somehow managed to get them drinks from the bar.

"Clary!" he shouts after her. "Clary!"

But Clary gets into a taxi outside PANDEMONIUM and gets the hell out of there. But not without escaping the notice of Circle Clowns 1 and 2.

Scene Thirteen

We are in the Fray apartment. Clary is telling her mom everything, frantic.  She mentions something about a body-builder turning into a monster, and I'm wondering if maybe there was some confusion between the casting department and the screenwriters. It was a sexy lady who turned into a monster at da club, not a body-builder.

Jocelyn is cool and collected, however.  She whips out a stele and scans her arm, making a symbol appear on her skin.  "Did the markings on the blonde boy look like this?" she asks her daughter.

Clary looks like her head is exploding.

Jocelyn, getting a little more worked up now, explains that she's dreaded this day since Clary was born, but that Clary's eighteen now and that the protections are wearing off. She's getting ready to explain everything to Clary, whose eyes are popping, but they're INTERRUPTED AGAIN.

It's Dot. She explains that they've all been found! Magnus called to warn them. "Look outside!"

Outside, Circle Clowns 1 and 2 are getting out of a car. Jocelyn sees this as tells Dot that it's time.  She tells Clary, who is baffled to the breaking point, that she needs to get away immediately. Jocelyn has hidden something from some bad people and they want it back. She puts a necklace on Clary and tells her daughter to think of her when wearing it.

Clary snaps that now is not the time for more birthday gifts.  She asks, once again, "what the hell is happening?"

Dot pokes in and gives Jocelyn a old-fashioned bottle filled with what we can now reasonably conclude is magical potion.  She tells Jocelyn to use it only if necessary.

Jocelyn tells Clary, "trust your instincts. You're more powerful than you know." I guess "instincts" are how Clary's powers will develop super quickly in episode two.

Outside Circle Clowns 1 and 2 have been joined by 3 and 4.  2 is holding a glowing blade. "Take Jocelyn alive. Find the Mortal Cup," he orders.

In the apartment Dot opens a purple portal on Jocelyn's command.  Jocelyn maneuvers her daughter to the portal, telling Clary that all the mistakes Jocelyn has made have had good intentions.  That sounds like a goodbye, doesn't it?

Clary seems to think so, too. She's panicking.  Jocelyn tells Clary that she can only trust Luke and that he'll hide her from the Circle. "Where is Luke now?" Jocelyn asks?

"The police station!" screams Clary, and she's sucked into the portal.

We cut to the police station, where Clary is spat out of the portal and onto the ground. "Ow," she hisses.

Luke's nervy co-worker approaches just then, barely having missed Clary's arrival. "Clary?" she asks.

"Captain Vargas," says Clary. I guess the woman is Luke's boss, not a co-worker.

"It two in the morning," says Vargas. "What are you doing here?"

Clary collects herself and lies like a pro. "Luke said he'd drive me home."

"Still doesn't trust those cabbies, hmm?" says Vargas fondly.

Clary excuses herself to the cafeteria, but before she can leave, Vargas shows some good ol' police intuition and asks if Clary's in trouble... in boy trouble.

"Yup," says Clary.

Vargas is all, "okay..." but leaves. I guess Vargas doesn't have any kids.  Police intuition doesn't hold a candle to a mother's extrasympthathetic powers.  Any mom would be all over Clary's distress in a heartbeat, asking if her cell phone battery died, offering her a power bar, and insisting upon waiting with her until her ride got there, etc.

But Clary pulls the wool over Vargas' eyes.  As soon as the Captain's back is turned, Clary is sneaking off into the station like a wayward bar of soap.

Scene Fourteen

Back at Jocelyn and Dot's, the Circle Clowns are breaking in, weapons drawn. Dot is hiding behind a wall, but comes out and casts a spell to make a decorative mace fly at the intruders.  I expected the weapon to gouge someone's head, but all the weapon does is break a glass cabinet. Lame. Dot thinks so, too, because she turns tail and runs.

Circle Clown 3 opens a loot bag and starts sweeping into it Dot's impressive collection of cups.

Meanwhile, Dot is scrambling up the stairs to Jocelyn's apartment. She runs smack into Circle Clown 4, who shoves Dot out the window. Dot falls, slams face-first into a balcony on the way down, and smashes into the concrete ground. There's no blood, but it's still dark business. She looks dead.

Jocelyn is in what looks to be Clary's room.  There are billowy curtains, and drawings, and a huge mural of an angel.  Jocelyn mutters, "I won't let anyone find you," and sets fire to the beautiful room.

She walks back out into the apartment in slo-mo, unsheathing her glowing blade in one hand, the potion Poor-Dead-Dot gave her in the other hand. She is attacked by the Circle Clowns, there are two, maybe three of them.

She kicks some ass, but she's outnumbered.  "Just hand over the Mortal Cup," says Clown 2.

"I can't believe you're still looking for that shit," says Jocelyn, more or less.

Clown 2, who's UV protection has regrettably been knocked off, says that the Mortal Cup isn't for them, it's for him. 

Jocelyn gasps, "Valentine is still alive?" She won't let him create an army.

"You once believed in him," one of the Clowns sneers.

But Jocelyn believed in protecting humankind.  She checks to make sure that Clary's room is still burning.  It is — snapping and crisping away. "You'll never get the Cup," she growls. Jocelyn uncorks the potion and takes a big gulp.

"Nooooooo!" shouts Clown 2 as Jocelyn collapses.

Scene Fifteen

It is pouring outside the NYPD police station. But inside, Luke is nice and dry and talking to some Circle Clowns. They seem to have apprehended him, but are approaching him a bit more peaceably than they did Jocelyn. They're at his desk. Clown 5 is just a white dude, but Clown 6 is a woman  of color in an orange dress and heels.  She's seated herself on Luke's desk and has crossed her legs.  She looks a bit too stylish and verve-y to be a minion.  The actress also looks like she's about to lose her balance on the desk at any moment.

The Clowns offer him clemency and the lives of Jocelyn an Clary if he gives up the location of the Mortal Cup. Clary hears all of this in the wings. So she's there to hear Luke say that he doesn't care whatsoever about the Frays. "Kill them both if you like. My people want the Cup. Why do you think I've been hanging around all these years?"

A crystalline tear falls down Clary's cheek.

Luke insists that if he finds the Cup he's going to keep it for himself, and the Clowns can tell Valentine that.

"No one mentioned Valentine," spits out Clown 6 between gritted teeth.

Luke scoffs and smacks away Clown 5's threatening hand. "Get out of my office." The turn and leave. Clary ducks and hides. Luke looks towards where Clary is. It looks like he knows she's there, but isn't going to say anything to her.

Clary, meanwhile seems to be gathering her resolve. "Mom," she chants. "Mom." She gets up and runs into the pouring rain. It is seriously a SEVERE THUNDERSTORM. It's like the sky knows Clary is sad.

Scene Sixteen

Cut to Chernobyl.

...

...

...

Ookaaay.

Inside a darkened building at Chernobyl, a man is holding a cartoonishly large syringe.  He prowls down a line of cages, from which snarls are emitted.  He strokes the cage doors fondly. The syringe looks to be filled with blood.

Just then, a portal opens in the laboratory and three Clowns appear with Jocelyn's unconscious body, suspended in the air.

The man, who the subtitles inform me is Valentine, breathes Jocelyn's name. "I'm so sorry it had to be this way," he croons. He runs his hand down the flickering material suspending Jocelyn in the air.  "I told you to bring her back unharmed," he throws at the Clowns. "What happened?

"A potion," says Clown 2. "She must have been under the protection of a warlock."

Another Clown spits that Jocelyn is a coward. Valentine is ticked. He thinks Jocelyn is marvelous. But the Clown insists.  Jocelyn betrayed the Circle and smells mundane.  I like that detail.  Jocelyn smells.

But Valentine goes off and shoves his cartoon-y syringe into the Clown's throat.  The Clown thrashes and gags and melts and froths at the mouth. It's apparent that something pretty vile and Chernobyl-y was in that syringe. Valentine is cucu.

Scene Seventeen

Meanwhile, Clary is running through the rain, back to the apartment. She sees a horrible pool of blood where Dot's body OUGHT to be. "Mom! Mom! Mom!" Clary yells. She runs into Dot's shop and sees the place is trashed.  She chooses this moment to fully melt down. "Mom!" she screeches and collapses, sodden and depressed.

She takes a number of moments to collect herself, and then grabs a battle axe from a nearby table. I like her tenacity and resolve! That was a fast snap-back.

She walks with the axe to the apartment. She looks around, and drops the axe when she sees DOT. SHE'S ALIVE.

But no, she's acting strange and robotic. "They took Jocelyn," says Oughtta-Be-Dead-Dot. "Rogue Shadowhunters looking for the Mortal Cup."

"Think Clary," Dot continues. "Did your mother ever mention a Cup A very important Cup?" She's acting awfully suspicious and saying the word "cup" a lot.

Clary spits that she can't think about that now, her mother's been kidnapped, and no, she doesn't know anything about a cup.

"You know more than you think you do, Clary FraaAAAAYYYYYY!" My blood curcdes as Oughtta-Be-Dead-Dot's mouth turns into a gaping demon maw. She attacks Clary, who stabs the demon in the stomach with something — the stele?

"Dot" drops to the ground and transitions into a bald, demonic monster. It's horror movie caliber stuff. I'm creeped out.

The demon swipes at Clary with it's mouth — it has a mouth that can swipe — and injures her shoulder.  The demon is about to go in for the kill, but is run through by a glowing blade. It collapses in a heap of sparks, revealing JACE.

"What, no thank you for saving your life?" he cracks.  Then he says, more somberly, "careful, that demon got a piece of you."

He explains to Clary that "Dot" was actually a miserable, slavering demon, because Clary is confused.  Jace look like he might transition from checking Clary for wounds to smooching her.  But Clary spoils the mood by fainting from demon venom.

"I got you," says Jace tenderly as he scoops Clary up and takes her away. Sigh.

Scene Eighteen

Clary is lying in a bed clutching the necklace her mother gave her. She's dreaming a true dream of Jocelyn, who is still asleep at Chernobyl, Valentine looming over her body.  Valentine draws a symbol on Jocelyn throat with a stele. Jocelyn gasps and moans. What is it with this dude?

Clary jolts awake, smacking Isabel in the face when she does so.

"Ow," says Isabel.

Clary demands to know who Isabel is.

"I'm Isabelle," the actress and the subtitles tell me.  I've been spelling her name wrong, it seems. Isabelle seems excited about Clary's presence.  Jace, it seems, is very interested and distracted by Clary. "As you saw earlier, distractions can be deadly in our line of work." I assume Isabel refers to the moment in da club when Jace's sword got knocked away when he was seeing after Clary.

Clary doesn't know who "Jace" is.

"You don't know much, do you," says Isabelle, cocking her head with mild sympathy.

All Clary knows is that psychos took her mom and now she's been taken too.

"We saved your life," corrects Isabelle.

Footfalls. Jace and Alec are marching into the hospital bay area where Clary and Isabelle sit. They are arguing over Clary's mundanity. Alec says Clary is a normal.  Jace insists that Clary is one of them. "The seraph blade lit up when she touched it!" He politely asks Isabelle to move from Clary's bedside so that he can sit there. It's cute.

"I'm Jace Wayland," he says to Clary.

Alec complains.  He's going to report this to the Clave.  Jace tells him to dial it down a notch. They discuss Alec's dial briefly, but Jace runs out of patience.  He asks to have a minute alone with Clary, with a word they never hear him say — "please."

Alec and Isabelle share a moment while walking out of the hospital bay. Alec doesn't know what is with Jace. Isabelle knows exactly what's up with him and will explain it to poor, clueless Alec.  Isabelle suggests that Jace is into Clary and that Alec is really upset over that, not the fact that Clary is a "new Shadowhunter," something they've never seen before. Alec objects.  He claims that he's upset because Clary wrecked their mission.  They never got to find out who wants mundane blood. With that, Alec drops the mike and walks away, leaving Isabelle behind. He's a bit of a grump, isn't he?

Back in sick bay, Jace notes that Clary's wound has healed.  Clary is shocked. Who are these stunning people with their magical healing powers, she asks.

Jace laughs, perhaps pleased at being called "stunning." Clary is confusing them with warlocks, he says. "Downworlders."

"My brain is about to explode!" Clary freaks out at all the information being thrown at her.  Clearly, she hasn't read the books.

Jace explains it simply for her and for newbs to the Mortal Instruments. "All the legends are true. We are shadowhunters. We protect the human world from the demon world."  Those "people" she saw killed in Pandemonium were shapeshifting demons.

But Clary doesn't care about all of that.  She just wants to find her mom. Will he please help her find Jocelyn?

Jace looks moved. "I'm the best chance you got," he brags sweetly.

A cell phone rings. It's Simon! He used the Find Your Friends app to trace Clary to outside an abandoned church. It's been two days since Pandemonium!!

Clary tells Simon to wait five minutes. She needs to get dressed.

"Why are you undressed in an abandoned church? Clary, is... is there a meth problem we need to talk about?"

"Five minutes," she tells Simon. "What happened to my clothes?" to Jace. She's wearing a large shirt.

"Demon venom," he explains, flipping through her sketchbook. He nods at some black, leather scraps. "Isabelle left you those. She's very comfortable with her body."

Clary dresses.  In the mirror she sees the symbol that's been on her neck this whole time. "Don't tattoo my neck! That's creepy," she tells Jace, who claims responsibility for the mark.

He calls it a "rune," a symbol of tremendous power, and says it saved her life. "Good for shadowhunters. Lethal for humans." He waves Clary's sketchbook. "But you already know all about runes, don't you." Clary gapes. "Maybe you don't," Jace says with wonder. "And that's what makes you so interesting, Clary Fray."

Scene Nineteen

Clary and Jace stride through the Shadowhunter HQ, both clad in black leather. Jace twirls his seraph blade. He saw something outside behind Simon. He explains that he has written a rune of invisibility on himself that will keep Simon from seeing anything.

Clary emerges from the church. Simon gapes at her outfit. He hands her his coat and says in a trembling voice that he'll take her home now. Clary replies that she doesn't have a home anymore.

What does she mean, asks Simon.

Just then, a man shout's Clary's name. He's a Circle Clown with a seraph blade in hand.  Jace gets the upper hand quickly though, appearing behind the man and putting him into some sort of choke hold.

Clary gasps at the scene, but Simon can't see anything.

The Clown and Jace exchange some trash talk and the Clown breaks out of the choke. They fight, while Clary gasps and Simon wonders at her reactions to empty space.

"We'll never stop hunting her!" says the Clown.

"This is for my father!" snarls Jace and impales the man. Clary bounces over.

"Is he dead?" she points imperiously at the dead man.

The Clown's body appears to Simon suddenly. "What the..."

Clary asks Jace to de-glamourize himself so that her best friend doesn't think she's insane. Jace obliges. Simon asks if Jace is Clary's meth dealer.

Jace tries to usher them all back inside. He's kind of pissed, mad that Simon led the Circle straight to Clary.

Simon tells her that they need to go to Luke straight away. "Clary, there's a dead body!"

"Clary." Jace says, "I need to keep you safe." He promises to help her find her mother, that she's one of them — a shadowhunter. 

"Clary." Simon says. "You don't know this guy. Come with me."

And that's how the episode ends. With Clary poised between two choices and two guys.

The End

Oh my god.  That was exhausting. I have new respect for the writers at Television Without Pity who write minute recaps regularly.  My hands are cramping.

As for the overall grade of the episode, I give it a 2 out of 5.